A Father’s Tears

read time 4 minutes

Hey Man is a weekly newsletter redefining men’s mental health by sharing personal stories, research-backed insights, and practical tools to foster vulnerability, connection, and support.

In this Newsletter:

• 80% of men will experience a major loss in their lifetime, yet men are less than half as likely as women to seek emotional support.

• When was the last time you saw your father cry? For many men, the answer is never.

• If grief is love with nowhere to go, then maybe healing is love that refuses to be silent.

A Father’s Tears: Grief, Love, and What We Pass Down

There is one memory of my father crying that stands out. It wasn’t at a funeral. It wasn’t in a moment of loss. It was years later, long after the pain had settled into silence.

We were standing in the garage, looking out at the driveway. The conversation had started light—work, sports, the usual. But somehow, it drifted toward my brother. Toward the grief we had never spoken about. And then, his voice cracked. He looked away, blinking hard.

“I don’t know how to talk about it,” he admitted.

Neither did I.

So we just sat there. Two men, generations apart, trying to find words that had never been given to us.

That moment taught me something: Healing doesn’t always come in grand gestures or perfectly worded conversations. Sometimes, it starts with presence. With breaking the silence. With being willing to sit in the weight of it together.

Hey Man…

The first thing I want to say when I read this is: How are you doing?

I hear the pain your son is in. I hear the battle your father faced. But what I don’t hear is you.

As fathers, as men, we are raised to provide, to protect, to serve. We wear these roles like armor, shielding those we love from harm. These are strengths—beautiful, necessary strengths. But in the pursuit of putting others first, we often put ourselves second. And for a time, this might work. Until it doesn’t. Until the well runs dry. Because the truth is: you can’t pour from an empty cup.

The Generational Echo of Love and Pain

Psychologists have long studied the transmission of emotions across generations. From birth, children learn love through the way it is given—or withheld—by their parents. This love, once external, becomes internalized over time, forming the foundation of self-worth and emotional resilience (Siegel & Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out).

But love is not the only thing that gets passed down. So does silence. So does grief. So does the unspoken belief that emotions—especially the painful ones—are a burden to bear alone.

If love is generational, then so is loss.

If love is shared, then so is grief.

The Unspoken Grief of Men

There’s a saying: Grief is love with nowhere to go. But I believe grief always has somewhere to go. It is meant to be carried together, not alone. Yet, for so many men, grief becomes another weight we are expected to shoulder in silence.

Research shows that men are significantly less likely to seek emotional support after loss (Martin & Doka, Men Don't Cry… Women Do). Traditional masculinity teaches that vulnerability is weakness, that tears are shameful, that strength is found in stoicism. But this model of manhood comes at a cost. Studies indicate that unresolved grief in men can manifest as depression, substance use, and even chronic illness (Worden, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy).

Your son may benefit from talking to a professional. But from my experience, there is nothing more powerful than the tears of a father.

Grieve together.

Do not let your grief push you apart.

Redefining Strength: A New Path Forward

In your story, I see the tale of three generations of men. A story of loss, pain, and the opportunity for healing and hope.

• Your father, who battled his own struggles, leaving behind lessons both spoken and unspoken.

• You, navigating the challenges of fatherhood and the weight of generational expectations.

• Your son, seeking guidance, connection, and understanding in the face of his own pain.

This is a rare and profound moment: an opportunity to break cycles of silence, to redefine what it means to be a man in your family.

• What does it mean to be a man in your family?

• What does it look like to love others?

• What is the purpose of pain and loss?

These are the questions you have the opportunity to answer—together. Not with certainty. Not with perfect words. But with presence. With honesty. With the willingness to care.

Because at the heart of it all, love—real, enduring love—isn’t about having all the answers.

It’s about showing up.

For you reading this, what would you add? What resonates? What doesn’t make sense? Leave a comment.

Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers this week.

If you have a question or comment you would like my attention on, please send me an email or DM and I will talk about it in the next newsletter.

See you next week.