Shoulder to Shoulder

I have created a system that is working a little too well.

Last year I started writing on LinkedIn as an advocate in the mental health space for men. My goal was to lead with vulnerability, sharing my grief story of losing my brother to suicide hoping it would help young men know they are not alone. Daily posting turned into a weekly newsletter. A weekly newsletter turned into a website and a business.

That is how Hey Man was born.

“Hey man” is a subtle, yet intentional, conversation starter. “Hey man, how are you doing?” “Hey man, I have a question.” Or simply, “Hey man.” It offers a tone of feeling seen, creating a space for vulnerability and authenticity.

And it works too well.

Daily, I get “hey man” messages about personal stories of struggle, family loss, and suicide devastation. My heart breaks every time I read these messages and at first I did my best to respond right away. I tried to validate and empathize, but I became overwhelmed.

Eventually I stopped responding. My inbox is flooded with messages of vulnerability and questions, and I have been ignoring them. I lost sight of the mission and felt it better to say nothing than to try to respond with a quick orange heart. The issue was that I wanted to give each message careful attention and offer a valuable response.

So that is what I am going to do.

Each week moving forward I will have a section in my newsletter that responds to a question or concern sent to me by DM or email. All stories and questions will remain anonymous for the protection of those who reach out.

This is week one.

“Hey man, a friend suggested I reach out to you. I’ve been working closely with her for a few years now. She’s helped me so much with the loss of my wife. I have good conversations with my daughter, now 21. But I have really found it difficult to talk with my two boys, now 18 and 16. I would love some ideas.”

Hey man, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you found someone to walk with you through that grieving process (which I know is a never ending battle). I’m also glad your kids have a dad like you who cares about their well-being, not just physically but emotionally too. You’ve already done the heavy lifting.

It can be easier to talk to girls about emotionally significant events. They have a natural disposition and comfort with face to face conversations. Boys, on the other hand, can sometimes struggle with face to face conversations, especially around things like feelings.

A substitution to face-to-face conversation is something called shoulder-to-shoulder conversations. These are moments in the car, watching tv, fishing, or doing some other kind of activity. I would encourage you to take your boys, individually or together, to do something that doesn’t require constant talking, but activities that have moments of pause where you can ask a question.

I’m sure you can come up with something to do. That’s the easy part. The hard part is being the “conversational steward” in that moment. There will be a pause and a moment when your gut says, “now” and it will be up to you to act. A time of laughter, of celebration, of defeat, where you step in and say, “what do you think mom would have thought about this?”

Don’t overthink it, Dad. And don’t be scared to share what you’re thinking feeling too.

For those of you reading, is there anything else you would offer this dad? Leave a comment below. And keep this family in your thoughts and prayers this week.

Send me your stories, your thoughts, and your questions and I will slowly, and intentionally, respond each week in this newsletter.

Take care,

Ethan